The reason I am writing this is because while I was going through the PEB process this forum provided so much support even though I've never posted anything. I would like to thank all the service members and spouses that contribute to this blog and helped me and my family through this tough diagnosis.
Another reason why I am writing this blog is because the diagnosis in the mental health category are generally just PTSD and Depression. When trying to look for someone with my symptoms was tough and I really didn't have a guide in that aspect. Even my PEBLO couldn't give me any sort of feedback when I asked what I should expect.
Mental Health conditions especially ones where you loose touch with reality are quite difficult to deal with. I was inspired by those who had the courage to share what they had been through and so I have done so as well.
In case you're curious about my ratings I was eventually rated 70% Army and 70% Va.
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For months I had no clue what was going on with me. I kept all my thoughts to myself and didn't wanted to be branded as "that" guy with mental heal issues especially when I wanted to have a long career in the Army. As much as I tried to fight what was coming I slowly became consumed by this darkness that kept creeping into my life slowly but surely. My relationship with my spouse started to deteriorative. I didn't want to meet up with my friends. I hated going to work. My dogs which I love with all my heart I didn't even want to play with anymore. I fell into a deep depression.
Stage One Losing interest in everything
I've always been somewhat of a homebody. I like playing video games, watching tv, and playing with my dogs. I didn't need to go out drinking at a club or bar, but I did enjoy hanging out with my friends. At one point it all changed. I lost the motivation to do simple things. I couldn't even think of having fun. Everything was so underwhelming and I simply lost pleasure in all aspects of life including sex. I chalked it up to being super swamped at work and outgrowing the childish things I use to do prior to the military. I did't realize I was pushing everything I loved away from me.
Stage Two Unwanted company
Spending more time alone was just the first of many symptoms that would pop out and show its ugly head. I started seeing and hearing things. At first you think, "oh well maybe that was someone in the hall" or "I left the window open and am just hearing people outside." There is a distinct difference from thinking you are hearing voices and actually hearing things. We all have out inner voice that talks to us or at least I do, but there was a distinctive voice that sounded like another person was in the room always either to the right or left of me. It started off with things that made since, but then they started to persecute me and tell me all types of stuff which honestly hurt your feelings. It's not like they say you're ugly or you need to loose weight.
I begin to hear things like:
After the auditory hallucinations HE started to show up. As dark and as evil as any villain or horror movie you can imagine. I began to see a figure darker than night and the power to paralyze me by just showing up. At first it just began at night so I figure I was just dreaming before I realized I was, but then he started showing up at my job, while I was in the bathroom, or even while I'm driving. He would scare the hell out of me and made me afraid to be alone. After a few months of him showing up and the voices I thought that I should tell someone.
While I was walking with one of my friends down an old tank trail he showed up in the wood line and told me to be quite or he was going to have to get rid of both of us. I kept silent and just went back to the car.
It got so bad to I stopped taking showers because I knew he was going to push me down in the shower and make my death look like an accident. As ridiculous as this sounds there was no way to convince me that this was going to happen.
Stage Three Going to Behavioral Health
It was awkward asking my leadership for time to go and see BH. At first they were okay with me going, but then when I told them I had a ton of appointments they started to giving me a hard time to I stopped going because I felt like I was being targeted.
At one point my NCO asked me what exactly I was going to BH for which I thought was perfectly normal to ask I mean what the hell did I know I had just graduated AIT and they were just looking out for me right...WRONG. They had no right to ask me what I was getting medically treated for or what I was telling my therapist. What was worse than that was that they would let other people know that I was going and tell other people that I was crazy, which made me feel like crap. I had a conversation with a friend of my who was a former NCO and they informed me that I was being taken advantage of and that I need to tell my chain of command what was going on.
I was difficult trying to talk to the 1SG or the CO because my NCO isolated me from everyone, but I sent the 1SG an email and told my concerns. So there I was in the command suite with my NCO sitting right next to me when I had to essentially explain that I felt like I was being bullied into not getting mental health treatments. Initially I was scared, but the 1SG reassured me everything was safe when my NCO was asked to leave the room. It felt like a weight had been removed off my chest.
Stage Four The Mental Health Ward
Things were going great and then on day I just snapped. No warning. No explanation. I felt like everyone was plotting against me and I was the only who knew the truth. The voices were telling me initially that I need to kill myself, but then the messaged changed to purging the world of "those who are unworthy to see HIS glory." I began to see horrific visions of people being hung everywhere I was. I was living in a nightmare world. It felt like I was losing control of my mind and my body. I told my therapist thinking everything would be confidential, but they locked me up with a quickness. It was embarrassing and in that time I didn't see a single thing wrong with what I was thinking.
I was in the ward for two weeks. They kept changing my medicine and asking me how I was doing. I told them my concerns with going back to work. I asked them how would this affect me staying in the Army. They all looked at me like, "there is no way in hell you're staying in the Army." When they finally released me and put me on a high risk profile I felt the full weight of what was happening. I hated my life. I was never going to be able to hold a job. I was going to be in and out of the ward for the rest of my life. None of that is true, but it just shows you how your mind can consume you.
MEB PROCESS
Perhaps the longest and most grueling time of my life. I was placed on limited duty, but I still had to show up to the company because APPARENTLY some one thought I was a danger to myself and others.
For almost a year I was seeing behavioral health two a week making sure my meds were right and that I was in the right state of mind. My mood changed day to day depending on whether or not Shadow Man or his friends showed up. I was fine with the voice. I found ways to cope like music or playing with my dogs. I can't say that I've got a grip on everything, but I am better.
My mental health professionals seem to be clueless at times and other times where looking at me like I was a science fair project. If anyone is reading this with similar issues just know that you are your own ambassador for your health. Make demands and make sure they are met. There is no reason that people should play with your livelihood and then throw you out on the street.
I was eventually rated 70% Army and 70% Va.
Another reason why I am writing this blog is because the diagnosis in the mental health category are generally just PTSD and Depression. When trying to look for someone with my symptoms was tough and I really didn't have a guide in that aspect. Even my PEBLO couldn't give me any sort of feedback when I asked what I should expect.
Mental Health conditions especially ones where you loose touch with reality are quite difficult to deal with. I was inspired by those who had the courage to share what they had been through and so I have done so as well.
In case you're curious about my ratings I was eventually rated 70% Army and 70% Va.
________________________________________________________________________________________
For months I had no clue what was going on with me. I kept all my thoughts to myself and didn't wanted to be branded as "that" guy with mental heal issues especially when I wanted to have a long career in the Army. As much as I tried to fight what was coming I slowly became consumed by this darkness that kept creeping into my life slowly but surely. My relationship with my spouse started to deteriorative. I didn't want to meet up with my friends. I hated going to work. My dogs which I love with all my heart I didn't even want to play with anymore. I fell into a deep depression.
Stage One Losing interest in everything
I've always been somewhat of a homebody. I like playing video games, watching tv, and playing with my dogs. I didn't need to go out drinking at a club or bar, but I did enjoy hanging out with my friends. At one point it all changed. I lost the motivation to do simple things. I couldn't even think of having fun. Everything was so underwhelming and I simply lost pleasure in all aspects of life including sex. I chalked it up to being super swamped at work and outgrowing the childish things I use to do prior to the military. I did't realize I was pushing everything I loved away from me.
Stage Two Unwanted company
Spending more time alone was just the first of many symptoms that would pop out and show its ugly head. I started seeing and hearing things. At first you think, "oh well maybe that was someone in the hall" or "I left the window open and am just hearing people outside." There is a distinct difference from thinking you are hearing voices and actually hearing things. We all have out inner voice that talks to us or at least I do, but there was a distinctive voice that sounded like another person was in the room always either to the right or left of me. It started off with things that made since, but then they started to persecute me and tell me all types of stuff which honestly hurt your feelings. It's not like they say you're ugly or you need to loose weight.
I begin to hear things like:
"You're a f**king disgrace and you need to kill yourself"
"You're being cheated on"
"Crash your crash into the wall"
"You'll never amount to anything"
"No one will ever accept you"
"People are just using you"
Initially the sting of the comment doesn't hurt, but to hear it constantly and to be reminded of things at the most inopportune time such as when I was driving or trying to talk to someone. I knew I couldn't tell anyone what was going on because they would lock me in a looney bin."You're being cheated on"
"Crash your crash into the wall"
"You'll never amount to anything"
"No one will ever accept you"
"People are just using you"
After the auditory hallucinations HE started to show up. As dark and as evil as any villain or horror movie you can imagine. I began to see a figure darker than night and the power to paralyze me by just showing up. At first it just began at night so I figure I was just dreaming before I realized I was, but then he started showing up at my job, while I was in the bathroom, or even while I'm driving. He would scare the hell out of me and made me afraid to be alone. After a few months of him showing up and the voices I thought that I should tell someone.
While I was walking with one of my friends down an old tank trail he showed up in the wood line and told me to be quite or he was going to have to get rid of both of us. I kept silent and just went back to the car.
It got so bad to I stopped taking showers because I knew he was going to push me down in the shower and make my death look like an accident. As ridiculous as this sounds there was no way to convince me that this was going to happen.
Stage Three Going to Behavioral Health
It was awkward asking my leadership for time to go and see BH. At first they were okay with me going, but then when I told them I had a ton of appointments they started to giving me a hard time to I stopped going because I felt like I was being targeted.
At one point my NCO asked me what exactly I was going to BH for which I thought was perfectly normal to ask I mean what the hell did I know I had just graduated AIT and they were just looking out for me right...WRONG. They had no right to ask me what I was getting medically treated for or what I was telling my therapist. What was worse than that was that they would let other people know that I was going and tell other people that I was crazy, which made me feel like crap. I had a conversation with a friend of my who was a former NCO and they informed me that I was being taken advantage of and that I need to tell my chain of command what was going on.
I was difficult trying to talk to the 1SG or the CO because my NCO isolated me from everyone, but I sent the 1SG an email and told my concerns. So there I was in the command suite with my NCO sitting right next to me when I had to essentially explain that I felt like I was being bullied into not getting mental health treatments. Initially I was scared, but the 1SG reassured me everything was safe when my NCO was asked to leave the room. It felt like a weight had been removed off my chest.
Stage Four The Mental Health Ward
Things were going great and then on day I just snapped. No warning. No explanation. I felt like everyone was plotting against me and I was the only who knew the truth. The voices were telling me initially that I need to kill myself, but then the messaged changed to purging the world of "those who are unworthy to see HIS glory." I began to see horrific visions of people being hung everywhere I was. I was living in a nightmare world. It felt like I was losing control of my mind and my body. I told my therapist thinking everything would be confidential, but they locked me up with a quickness. It was embarrassing and in that time I didn't see a single thing wrong with what I was thinking.
I would like to add that not all mental health patients are out to kill people or dangerous, but in my particular case I had increased irritability and irrational thoughts that skewed my thought process that made me think that I was an arch angel sent by G-d to purge the world of evil...I can't even tell you how ridiculous this sounds now that I am on the proper medication.
I was in the ward for two weeks. They kept changing my medicine and asking me how I was doing. I told them my concerns with going back to work. I asked them how would this affect me staying in the Army. They all looked at me like, "there is no way in hell you're staying in the Army." When they finally released me and put me on a high risk profile I felt the full weight of what was happening. I hated my life. I was never going to be able to hold a job. I was going to be in and out of the ward for the rest of my life. None of that is true, but it just shows you how your mind can consume you.
MEB PROCESS
Perhaps the longest and most grueling time of my life. I was placed on limited duty, but I still had to show up to the company because APPARENTLY some one thought I was a danger to myself and others.
For almost a year I was seeing behavioral health two a week making sure my meds were right and that I was in the right state of mind. My mood changed day to day depending on whether or not Shadow Man or his friends showed up. I was fine with the voice. I found ways to cope like music or playing with my dogs. I can't say that I've got a grip on everything, but I am better.
My mental health professionals seem to be clueless at times and other times where looking at me like I was a science fair project. If anyone is reading this with similar issues just know that you are your own ambassador for your health. Make demands and make sure they are met. There is no reason that people should play with your livelihood and then throw you out on the street.
I was eventually rated 70% Army and 70% Va.
